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I love my husband but he’s fat and gross and I don’t want to have sex with him

I came across a post on where a woman was writing in to ask people’s opinion on whether or not she’s obligated to have sex with her overweight husband. She explained how her husband used to be in shape but has now become gross to her. Apparently he started getting fat around the time she got pregnant. She doesn’t indicate if this was intentional. Some men try to make their wives feel better about gaining pregnancy weight by intentionally gaining weight themselves during the wife’s pregnancy. Whether it was intentional or not this woman’s husband put on some 50 extra pounds according to her complaint and he never lost it even after she lost hers. She was disgusted and frustrated and wanted to know if she should feel bound by duty to have sex with a fat husband. She wrote: - “…He is a good 50 lbs overweight, and it is hideous to me…. I am just really frustrated because I feel like we no longer have any intimacy. I still want sex, just usually not from him. Call me shallow, whatever, but it is hard to get excited at the thought of an obese man all over your body….”

Wow right? Usually it’s the man you’ll hear complaining how his wife got fat and he’s no longer attracted to her and wants to divorce her because of her weight. The truth is, if a person can get over the mental hurdle they can have sex with anybody regardless of what the person looks like, and they can enjoy the sex as well. What’s the objective of sex? You’re either doing it purely for the orgasm or you’re doing it to share an intimate experience with the person you love. Either way sexual pleasure is not contingent upon how someone looks. Maybe looks matter as far as making you hot for the person but that’s entirely physical and doesn’t guarantee you a good time in bed any more than you’re assured of having a bad time in bed if your lover is overweight. When you love someone you can easily look past their physical imperfections, even if the imperfection comes in the form of blubber.

I like me a hunky looking man as much as the next woman but I want to think I would still be able to have sex with my husband if he gained a hundred pounds. I would prefer him to be in shape of course but I always try to treat people the way I would want them to treat me and I wouldn’t want my husband to reject me and find me ugly and disgusting if I gained more weight than he would like me to have on, so I would strive not to reject him or find him ugly and disgusting if he gained more weight than I would like him to have on. I think that’s the care and consideration part of marriage that’s missing for too many couples.

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I love my husband but he's fat and gross and I don't want to have sex with him, 3.9 out of 10 based on 62 ratings
0 73 22756 25 October, 2010 Marriage Social October 25, 2010

About the author

Hi, though my real name is not Soliel, it is the name I have chosen to represent myself here. I am a freelance writing wife and mother who is in no way an expert in the subject of love and marriage. My posts, particularly any posts that appear to be giving advise or providing answers to questions, should be regarded as an expression of my personal opinion on the subject of discussion. Nothing I write is meant to be presented as if coming from an expert source. I have no professional qualifications or specialized knowledge in marriage and relationship fields of study. I am not a marriage counselor nor do I have any background in counseling. I present my thoughts much in the same light as a mother, sister or friend might. I only hope to help contribute to the ongoing conversation about love and marriage relationships and what makes them succeed or fail. If you disagree with something I write you are welcome to share your thoughts by leaving a comment. I do get to approve or disapprove my comments so please keep in mind that comments intended to offend are not likely to be approved. If anything I write offends anyone I do offer my sincere apology.

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    1. Desiree

      I have been closing my eyes for twenty years!!! Ewwww…ugly, fat husband with a small penis. Only 7 more years to go before my youngest is 18 and I am outta here! I tell him to light candles or put very low light on because I dont like the way I look…but in reality it’s the way HE looks. Sorry…not in love with this man for a long time…and forced to endure sex with him twice per week. Can’t wait for my ‘sentence’ to be over so I can grow old alone without a fat ugly man touching me. Lots of us women feel this way…I hear from other friends too.

      1. karin

        for every 30 lbs a man gains his penis loses 1 inch, per Dr. Oz. It is a challenge to have sex as if you try missionary you get crushed. I choose not to have sex. I have mentioned the weight loss and penis length and now husband holds a resentment.

        1. Tiffany

          I hear ya. I tried to communicate that it’s not that I don’t want to or I’m not attracted to him it’s that it’s getting difficult to have sex! He isn’t as big we can’t get a rhythm. I try getting on top and he has a pouch in the way. Frustrating.

      2. Frances Simmons

        I stopped having sex with my husband about 4 months ago because of how unsatisfied i am with his sex and how unattracted I am with him physically and sexually.

        I used to endure the atrocious sex with him about once every weekend or every other weekend if I could get a way with it until I made up in my mind that this is my vagina and if I don’t want to have sex with him I won’t. I even told him to find a woman on the side to have sex with because he wasn’t going to ever get any from me.

        I am in limbo about divorcing him now because I definitely don’t want to be with him and I tell him all the time that I don’t want to be married to him or waiting 14 more years till our youngest son turns 18. So I definitely understand what you going through.

        1. Angela Welch

          Thank goodness there are other women that feel this way also. I thought I was a monster because I don’t want to have sex with him. He looks at Porn all the time and I feel like I can’t say much since I won’t have sex with him. I don’t know what to do.

  1. Gwen

    You want women to love their fat husband the way he is but you insist on women losing weight when it’s the husband complaining that his wife is fat. I don’t get that. How come in your posts where men are complaining about their wife being fat you don’t say a husband should look past his wife’s extra weight if he loves her?

    1. Jenna

      That’s all well and good you should love the person. It’s becomes a huge challenge when you can’t even find his penis bc his stomach is in the way and even when I try to do oral I have to use one hand to push his stomach back and it’s so difficult. I love him but when it’s this much trouble to have sex it creates a huge problem

      1. So upset and frustrated

        Jenna, I TOTALLY understand what you are talking about. My hubbie wants me to perform oral too and I have to do the same thing… hold back the belly to get in place! He thinks I’m making excuses abt why I don’t want to pleasure him in that way, but I’m sooo angry that I even have to make these types of concessions bc he has chosen to not do anything about his weight gain. No matter how you speak the truth in these situations, it still hurts the person on the receiving end. I don’t wanna go down there. His pubic mound has gotten soooo large and fleshy and it hides his penis. I used to be turned on by the sight of his penis, but now his belly is just in the way. At least my husband is a great lover, but I don’t want to have sex with him, so I can’t even get to enjoy it. I didn’t let myself go even after 4 babies, so why did he??? UGH!!!

  2. Liz

    I love my husband but it is very uncomfortable, I cannot breathe and it is distracting trying to get a position which is almost impossible.

  3. piper

    It is had to enjoy sex with a big fat gut flopping all over you! Total turnoff. I work at not being too over weight.. hubby s to lazy or selfish to give me the same consideration…My husband looks like he is pregnant with twins!

    1. No_Excuses

      At least women have excuses such as bringing other human beings into this world, and their changing hormones. Men don’t have any excuse. Real men play sports and stay fit.

      1. Joe

        Yeah, cause it’s so easy to play sports and stay fit when we are in our 60’s with arthritic knees and bad lungs, and we eat too much because its better than drinking ourselves to death because you **ck up our budgets, whine all the time, and vote for Obama and Hillary.

  4. Ariane

    I have an extremely obese husband who looks like
    he’s having triplets, it just totally repulses me -
    he eats so much junk food and I think he lies to his
    doctor saying I dont make meals etc. I just cant
    stand the sight of him I really feel for women out there
    with this problem too. Incidentally he loves saying
    I’m fat but thats his bullying.

    1. bewareofjoanie

      Yeah same thing here. He says I’m fat but I’m still wearing the same size I wore when we got married over 30 years ago.. 9/10 ! He is a fat fucktard and I haven’t had sex with him IN YEARS. I’ve lost count of the years actually. He is gross and won’t change. I don’t look at porn but he looks at other women on TV all the time. I don’t even care. He’s a hopeless fat fuck and I’m just waiting for him to drop dead.

  5. kw

    I totally disagree with this being a mental thing for me to get over, my husband got fat (gained over 100lbs) after we got married and now his belly gets in the way of me having an orgasm in missionary position. Also its unattractive to look at, when he’s on top, he’s crushing me he’s so heavy….and last but NOT least, I swear he doesn’t get nearly as hard now that he’s a big blubber fat guy. He also cannnot hold the erection long and has to work really hard to get through sex. When he was in shape, he got really hard and could go for an hour….I think there must be a connection between obesity and erection!
    PS I lost the baby weight after 2 babies and weigh 5lbs less than before the kids!!! SUCKS 🙁

    1. dee

      A married man I love dearly recently had sex with me for the first time.
      It didn’t work for me as he is overweight and this put me off totally.
      He knows he is too fat and is already on a diet.
      But how long will it take him to lose a stone? And not by a crash diet.
      He is 70, I think it’s harder at that age.

  6. melody

    People who accuse women of being superficial, unaccepting, of “using sex as a weapon,” and so on, for having this issue, have not been in the same position.

    My husband is my best friend and I’d be lost without him. We do have sex about once/week but it takes me a lot of mental pep-talking to get into it with him, because he’s let himself go. I’m perfectly happy with our current lifestyle, companionship, and frequency of sex as-is, and I’m willing to “take one for the team” once a week to be intimate with him. I don’t really mind that he’s overweight; I love him. If he were happy with it too, that would be fine! But when he gets upset with me that sex is not more frequent, I don’t want to hurt him, so instead I give him every explanation in the world other than telling him that his appearance has become a turn-off for me.

    He makes almost no effort to get back in shape, and eats sweets and garbage food without a second thought (even though I’ve begged him to cut down on the junk food, I always cook dinner and make him lunch, but he just brings extra cokes and cookies to work to compensate).

    Last night I felt more pressure than normal for an explanation so I finally was honest with him — I was as gentle as I could be about it, but he was still hurt and angry and accused me of not loving him and being superficial about our relationship. I feel like it’s easy for him to say that because I’m active and in shape and he doesn’t have to talk himself into being intimate with me, so he can’t see things from my perspective.

    Is there no acceptable, compassionate way for women (or men in a similar situation) to address this issue? 🙁

    1. Corrina

      Melody…I feel your pain. I too couldn’t dance around the elephant in the room anymore, so I told him. I told him I loved him very much, that he is a great father, great husband but I am not physically attracted to him because of his large belly. He is 50lbs overweight and it is mostly in is stomach. He told me he never though he would ever hear those words from me & said I was vain. I sat back and mulled it over and over…am I vain? Am I vain because he has physically change since we got married 18+ years ago? I said I’m not looking for the 6pack abs, I want you to be healthy and be my partner for life. I asked him if it would be okay if I never lost the weigh after my pregnancies and he said nothing. Do I take that as yes that would be a problem for him, I think so?

      Yes he is mad at me, maybe embarssed that he thought I was fine with it all these years. I did everything to encourage him in the right direction. BTW I’m a health nut but not over the top and I was this way from the start. I do all the cooking so he must be sneaking it from somewhere?
      I will say this I finaly feel free now that he knows my true feelings.

      The truth is when you get married and you are both in shape I feel there is a certain respect to try and stay within that realm. I had 2 pregnancies, gained 40+ pounds and made sure I got back to a reasonable size. I’m not like I was when we first met but darn close. It’s not a vain to want to that and truthfully he knows that. He would not want me 30+ lbs heavier but it’s okay for me to accept him the way he has become, not a chance?



    1. slimjim

      I didnt marry someone fat, he was as thin as me, and now he has tripled i size and i am still a size 10. I dont moan at him I stock the cupboards with healthy food, i work full time whilst he stays at home looking after our 3 year old who is now in school. I do feel like i am bein used, i feel like i am taken for granted, he is the least romantic person in the world. I know the grass is always greener but at the moment i really do believe it!!

      1. Cindy

        I agree honey that there is no way that you should have to put up with having sex with your husband. What you should do instead is let one of the size 2 secretaries at work have sex with him!

        Then in a year or so, he will replace you with a girl that is 1/2 your age, and who doesnt nag and complain all the time.

        Believe me, I have been there! Husband #2 was FAT! I refused to give him any, and eventually he went away. I sure do miss his money.

  7. Frustrated

    My husband used to be in shape until we got married. I don’t cook ALL the time but even when I do, he hardly touches it or just nibbles on my food and claims that he is not hungry whereas he can order 2 large pizzas plus a few extra stuff and eat the whole darn thing by himself. He must have gained around 50 pounds in just over a year. I can hardly make out his facial features anymore and his gut is the size of a huge pregnant woman.

    His unwillingness to move, workout, do anything is so unattractive to me. He is lazy and just wants to watch TV after work or sleep. His snoring has become so bad that I can’t sleep at night sometimes and I am totally convinced that it’s from the extra weight he put on. I paid for a 3 months gym membership for him a while back and he only went once.

    He always complains that he wants sex and that he’s not getting enough but I always come up with some excuse why I don’t want to have sex with him. I told him once very frankly that I am not finding him attractive anymore. He got pretty hurt and upset but he didn’t do anything about it. If anything, he gained more weight.

    I love my husband, but I want to feel attracted to him. I want to feel hot for him and I am sick of having these negative feelings. I am very frustrated and want good sex. Just not with him if he wants to keep on looking this way. Any advice?

  8. Bernadette

    My husband has always been overweight. We’ve been married for 12 years and I have watched him yo-yo diet unsuccessfully many, many times. He is an addictive personality and food is his coping mechanism. I try so hard to be supportive, but our sex life is virtually non-existant because he is limited by his weight. This is a depressing situation, made worse by the fact that he recently went bankrupt, losing our company of 8 years. I feel very let down by his lack of will power to stop eating the wrong foods. I can’t control what he does when he’s not at home for meals and I am saddened by the example he is setting for our children. What to do? I love him and I work hard to accept the ‘defects’ in our relationship, but this issue weighs very heavily (pardon the pun) on my chest. I’m only 41 and I deserve satisfying intimacy.

  9. sara jean the eating machine

    stay with your husband- no matter the flaws. on the side get some good dick- thats what i do. ive been married for 10 plus years- have sex affairs and he knows. dont compromise your sexuality

  10. A guy

    To “Melody”, “Frustrated” and others asking for advice: I used to be one of these men, not knowing what my wife really wanted, nor was I concerned about appearance or health. But I think there’s a few tips that women can effectively employ without hurting his feelings, the following tips were employed by my wife:

    - Although times are changing and that men are increasingly sexualized in media, many are “fearing” the metrosexual standards and don’t want the “gay” association to apply to them. If he’s one of them, prove that he’s wrong and don’t describe fit/metrosexual men in negative terms. He needs to understand that it’s ok to care about appearance, even if it’s just for looking better.

    - Try to spark his interest for sports and fitness. State you admiration to athletes during the olympics or another contest.

    - If he was thinner/fitter before, try to subtly remind him about it, for instance, you can have a look at old pictures in your photo album. My wife humorously made comments about “who’s that hunk” when looking at pictures with me.

    - Consider joining some activities together and get fit together. My wife didn’t do that, but it may work for others.

    - Have a talk about health and that you would like a long life with him and that a healthy life prolongs his life.

    Eventually he’ll recognize what you’re saying and he’ll be coming around and starting looking into things himself, then actually start. If he’s absolutely reluctant to do anything, you’d probably have to have a more direct conversation, but I don’t think most guys are that stubborn. If he’s thinking of it but acting unsure he may need a push in the right direction. In my case I was contemplating what my wife was trying to tell me but wasn’t really sure of how to proceed. She followed and bought me a gym membership, as well as some hours with a personal trainer.

    The next tips concern how to keep him motivated to continue after he finally came around and started:

    - Compliment his achievement about starting.

    - Give him some time of in the afternoons to go to the gym, help him to set time aside.

    - Help him with diet which is an important part of getting fit. In my case, wifey took care of purchases and dinner to help me not falling for the temptation to buying something unhealthy on weekdays.

    - Help him set some goals. This can be athletic goals in terms of sports, but to make it interesting for both of you, make a sexy challenge. We made a deal about a bet, and if I lost I had to strip for her and some of her girlfriends on a birthday party. Well, I lost the bet, so the goal is now perfect physique summer 2013. Somewhat tough goal, but it’s fun and light hearted and it’s effective at keeping me at track since I don’t want to not look good when the time comes. My wife deserves to see a husband that cane be “eye candy” for an hour or two.

  11. Fran

    I appreciate all the comments. My husband is fat, but that is not my issue. He’s gross because he won’t brush his teeth and he stinks. I’ve said, “Okay, but let’s shower first.” He’s getting better about that but he breathes on me and I feel like I can’t breathe. I try to tell him what I like in the bedroom, but it’s like my words are falling on deaf ears. Do I just have to accept that I feel like a prostitute and it’s a chore I have to get through like cleaning out the garbage disposal? I think if he were nicer, my attitude would lighten, but his words are subtle and critical. I think, “If I’m so bad, why does he even want to be around me?” Then he wants to have sex. It says in the Bible that a spouse should always say yes, except for fasting and prayer, so I know it’s a duty I must follow. It’s just so gross and sometimes painful in my heart to have to give my body to an oger who pretends to want to satisfy me and all I hear is “suck my …”

    1. tiffany

      Yeah um Y does the woman cook for her man in order to keep him healthy. I think that’s absurd and frankly a little sexist. The man can’t take care of himself as a confident sexy man he’s going to be a tub of lard and blame it on his wife. I know my husband was so sexy and we have only been married a month. I’m 7 months pregnant and he has gained 55lbs since May 4th 2013. He repulsed me and I keep telling him that he just doesn’t do it for me. I can’t use sex against him because he’s not big on sex. I know the feeling. I don’t want to look at other men but he’s giving me no choice. I’ve gotten as low as watching porn alone. He already has breathing problems and he doesn’t brush his teeth cause his gums are too sensitive so they bleed without warning . He wakes up with blood all over his teeth. He snores he’s fat and he says I love you every day and I just tell him I know. I don’t know if I’m wrong for this but I told him if he gets any bigger I can’t be with him. He still has no motivation. So I guess he doesn’t want to be with me I give him no motivation at all and he tells me that I’m the best woman he will ever be with but I can’t even be nice to him.

  12. Tasha

    I been married 8 years to my husband but we’ve been together 13 years. When we first met in 2001 he weighed 200 pounds at 5’8 very sexy but now he has stopped counting his pounds. In my opinion my husband could be 350+. Our sex life sucks! He gets so tired and our of breathe that I think he’s goung to die. I’ve been begging him for over 4 years to please lose sone weight. He just give me that look and denies that he is very obesed and it is affecting the both of us. I’ve even volunteered to diet with him but he never falls thru with any diet. He is addicted to Church’s fried chicken, McDonald’s, Taco Bell, well hell any fast food joint in the nation. I am tired of his excuses to why he doesn’t want to lose any weight. It’s gotten so bad that he breathes very loud, he snores heavily, and he can bareky bend down to put on his shoes for work. Don’t get me wrong I love my husband but I’m just not attracted to him any more. I’ve begged him to please lose weight for health reasons, the kids, me, anything but he acts like the bad choice of food is more important to him. I’ve even thought about cheating on my husband, yes, finding a sexual partner to fulfill my sexual needs but I haven’t because I think that there is still hope that my husband may wake up one morning and say to himself that he will lose weight.

    1. Kallie

      Then they have to get meds to counteract the HBP cholesterol and diabetes and can’t hold erection and can’t have sex. It goes down hill. Waiting for his stroke so you can wipe his ass.

  13. Silla

    I’d say threaten to leave him. Sounds harsh but why stay together when you can’t stand to be around him. To me there is absolutely no excuse for a man to get fat apart from injury or disease. A woman carry extra fat after puberty, women gain weight during pregnancy and during menopause. Women are just naturally made to put in weight. Men on the other hand are suppose to gain muscle and they don’t carry baby weight, to me it’s shear inconsiderate laziness for a man to be freaking fat. They think women should like them because of the stereotype that women are more about personality. No. Women want someone slim trim and sexy too. These guys need to pull their heads out of their rear ends. Especially when they’re fat and also have a nasty personality. I see and hear no much double standard bs in our society where ugly/short/fat men think they deserve a hot girlfriend but shame women who are fat.

  14. Lisa

    I am so glad I found this site! I often feel like such a bad wife for not wanting to do anything with my husband. When we first met he was very fit, had muscles, worked out, etc. We never had issues in the bedroom. Once we had our first child, he started to put on some weight. Now I know I am no spring chicken and I do not look like I did in my 20’s but I have not let myself go either. I work so I am dressed everyday and my hair is done and I wear make-up. I try my best to always look good. He on the other hand has completely let himself go. He drinks beer every single night which I know is a big factor in the weight gain, he eats all bad stuff and he just doesn’t care anymore. He never brushes his teeth and he smells, he showers in the morning but by the night, he stinks again and it is such a turn off. His belly is now starting to interfere when we do do stuff and it’s so frustrating. He never shaves or cuts his hair so he pretty much looks like a bum. I have cheated on him but I have never done the deed with anyone else and don’t know if I could ever do that. Last night we did it and I felt so gross afterwards because his breath stunk, he smelled and he was sweaty. I literally had to wash after. I feel so awful for feeling like this but I can’t force myself to do things I don’t want to. I don’t know how to tell him what I feel. I have hinted at it several times though but he still doesn’t do anything about it. HELP!!!

  15. Anna

    I am so relieved to discover that I’m not the only one who feels this way. I was beginning to feel like a freak. My husband became a semi truck driver 3 years ago, and there are now two of him or more. Oh, and so lazy about other personal hygiene issues. In addition, he has no teeth and refuses to wear the dentures I made him get. Getting him to shave is so much work. He went to the gym twice and gave up. He has to be the laziest person at home I’ve ever known. I’ve never been with an overweight man in my life, and I keep hoping he will return to the slim and sexy man I met 6 years ago. The gain has been so rapid. He weezes while exerting the most minimal amount of effort, and I guess I’m lucky because he seems to think having sex is too much work. He usually quits right in the middle of it. His member has also shrunk by about half, because it has been sucked into all that excess fat. I try to avoid looking at him. He always needs reminding to take care of himself, to no avail. At least he showers. Ugh! I don’t even want to think about sex at all anymore, because he has given me such negative associations. I can’t remember what it was like to be with someone who was actually a turn-on. I am taking it very personally, feeling that if he cared about what I thought of him, he would at least try to clean up his appearance. I don’t say anything, except to encourage, but thanks for letting me vent. In my heart I know I will eventually have to leave him if he doesn’t improve his attitude, and that’s a whole new set of terrors I don’t really wish to deal with right now. I had no idea how much this was upsetting me until I began to write this.

    1. Lisa

      I am in the same exact position. The only reason I am with my husband is for his paycheck and we have 2 small kids. My husband used to be in shape, worked out all the time and he cared about his appearance. Now he is overweight and drinks every night plus has horrible hygiene. I literally can’t bring myself to have sex with him or even sleep in the same bed. He has no motivation and never wants to do anything, not even with the kids. I feel like a single mother half the time. I try to talk to my husband about our marriage but he never wants to talk. I find myself crying a lot lately. I know I have to leave him eventually since I’m not getting younger. He can pute in a bad mood as soon as he walks through the door. I hope someday I can be happy.

  16. Jamie

    I’ve never seen a collection of so many vain people in my life. Just leave your husbands if you’re so put off by them. So many of you say you love your husbands but are completely turned off by them, even repulsed.

    Just think for one minute if you would want to be with someone who has the same thoughts about you as you do for the person you married. It’s not fair. Break off the marriage so that you can find a skinny person and your husband can get a new chance with another who will love him without the resent I’ve seen on this thread. If you truly care about these men you ladies talk about, which from my perspective you don’t, then you will let them go and find happiness with someone else.

    1. Meg

      Obviously this person doesn’t understand what some of these women are going through. I was about to go on a rant about how flawed this response is but I’m not even going to waste my time. Awful.

    2. Carissa Mock

      I think it’s more of since u care and love him u want him to be healthy and take care of himself so u can be together as long as possible, . I’m willing to exercise and look good for him but if he won’t do the same it’s a turn off. It’s def a turn off when he can’t finish up because he’s overweight it’s sad

      1. Melissa

        I also wanted to mention that it seems 9 times out of 10 if a female is turned off physically, usually she does not feel loved, or safe emotionally. And there is nothing physical a husband can do, lose weight, etc that will make up for that deficiency.
        I think when I hear “but I love my husband” I hear “I don’t love my husband but I need him for this and that” and in that case, if you take, you also need to give once in a while, to keep the relationship sustainable.
        Sex is only one part of a relationship, it’s not even the most important part. Fidelity and devotion are. But if he or she had terminal cancer and if you loved the person you would care just as you would for your dying mother or father.

  17. Johng

    Overweight husband? Leave him, or get some dick on the side!

    Overweight wife? You should love her for who she is you shallow prick!

    That about right?

  18. Janice

    I had this exact problem with my husband about 35 years ago. We met in college, he was a running back on the football team. I was a cheerleader and I ran track as well. We married young, at 22, and he immediately began putting on weight. By our third anniversary he had gone from 190 to 300 pounds. I stayed fit, ran five miles five days a week. We both had high sex drives, and he still wanted to do it practically every day. But for me, it got to the point that I could hardly bring myself to do it. It wasn’t just that he repulsed me physically, sex with him just felt like being used. He was so out of shape he just rushed through it before he ran out of stamina. I loved him dearly, and I tried everything to get him to adopt a healthy lifestyle, but nothing worked. I finally realized that while I was willing to wait for him to make a change, I wasn’t willing to wait forever. So I came up with a plan, using the only leverage I had.
    Until then, I had been forcing myself to make love to him three or four times a week. I found time for a serious talk, and I told him that from now on, I would have sex with him once a month. If he wanted more than that, he would have to catch me. He asked what that meant. I told him that I go for a run almost every day. I take Sunday and Monday off. Any one of those days, he can join me if he chooses. All he has to do is touch me one time. It didn’t matter when, it could be during the first twenty feet of the run. Even just fingertips brushing my shoulder. For every time he could manage that, we’d have sex.
    As I suspected, he laughed me off. But after a couple of weeks went by, his libido began to settle with him. He tried arguing, coaxing, cajoling, buying flowers, guilt trips, you name it. I stood firm, even through one horrible three week period when he literally didn’t say one word to me. Finally a day came when I was in the driveway doing my warm up stretches. I saw him in the window watching me. All of a sudden he charged out of the house. I took off at a full sprint. He might have actually caught me, but I slipped between two parked cars, and he was so big he had to go around. He ran another hundred feet, then was out of breath. I went on with my jog. That night he gave me the silent treatment as well.
    He tried again the next day, and again the next week. He asked if I could just walk the first mile, to even the odds a bit. I obliged. He managed a fairly brisk walk for a half mile or so, but each time he put on a burst of speed, I’d run out of reach.
    He continued to try several times a week. I began seeing evidence that he had been taking secret walks by himself ( new sneakers hidden in his briefcase). I also noticed he hadn’t been eating as much when I did the weekly shopping. After another month or so, I went out as usual, but got a cramp in my leg. I gritted my teeth and ran through it, but it slowed me down just enough for him to touch my elbow. That night, I made good, and gave him the best time I could.
    Long story short, he started losing weight. Nothing miraculous, but his stamina improved as well. He began to catch me more and more. After six months or so, I struggled to stay ahead of him, at least at first. I was a good distance runner, but he was (is!) a head taller than me and a former running back, as well. After a year, it wasn’t really a chase anymore, he could comfortably match any pace for at least the first mile or so. And we began having great sex again. After two years, he was down to about 220, and that’s the weight he’s been ever since. Not the same as when we met, but I’ll take it. We’re both 60 now, three grown kids. I’ve had my knees replaced, so my running days are over. But we still exercise together, and he’ll still occasionally chase me around the yard with a horny grin.
    Some would say what I did was manipulative and wrong. Perhaps they’re right. I certainly wouldn’t recommend anyone else trying it .But I was only 25 when that happened, and I’ve never used sex in that way since, for any other issue. I took a big risk at destroying my marriage, but I couldn’t tolerate it going on like that forever. If I hadn’t done something, he would probably be dead now. And on multiple occasions over the years, he has thanked me for helping him lose weight

    1. Meg

      Words can’t express how tickled I am at this story. Wonderful and somehow very beautiful! Seems like this really worked for you! And had you not done something about it, look at all the years (and kids) you would have missed out on with your husband. Stick it to those commenters who say, “Just leave your fat husband! Go get “some” on the side!” This story reflects why women don’t just GIVE UP on their husbands like that.

  19. Kellie

    Same here. He just eats and eats. And watches TV with w
    Excuses started working out 6 months ago. Still just lays on floor doing stretches rides excercise bike 15 minutes. Just gets fatter and fats. Eats with mouth open picks nose (and eats it like I don’t see that,) just getting worse and worse. Then they have to get meds to counteract the HBP cholesterol and diabetes and can’t hold erection and can’t have sex. It goes down hill. Waiting for his stroke so you can wipe his ass!
    Ahhhh to vent and know I am not a big bitch others same boat! Grrrrrrrrr

  20. Good guy

    I’m am a fat husband that is trying save my 19 year marriage. I came here to see if understand her perspective better. I see terrible truths on both sides. She deserves to be happy and so do I. I’m going to file for divorce and ironically lose weight during the divorce…

  21. Smiley

    I was the guy you ladies are talking about. I’m 5’6″ weighed 224lbs, rarely shaved, showered maybe 3x/wk was lazy as hell and couldn’t figure out why my wife never wanted to have sex.

    A few years back I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. My Dr gave me a Rx and told me I would be on them for life. I wanted nothing to do with the meds so I took matters into my own hands.

    The first thing I did was change my diet. I cut out the junk food, lowered my carb intake and started walking for 30-40 minutes every evening whether it was +30°c or -40°c.

    Within 6 months, I had lost 25lbs. I also started taking my personal hygiene more seriously. Shaving, hair etc. Guess what? My wife took notice and seemed happier.

    Our sex life didn’t really improve all that much which was understandable. I had other things besides the physical aspects that were turning my wife off. I slowly worked on becoming her husband again and not her adult child. I essentially owned my shit and worked on that as well.

    After the first year I started lifting weights 3x/wk. I was determined to not only lose weight and keep from going on meds but I wanted to build muscle to help boost my metabolism and keep burning the fat.

    I’ll be honest here. It wasn’t easy. My wife likes her junk food and so do I. The hardest thing for me was saying no to it and choosing something healthier.

    Before I started this journey, I wore 36″ waiste jeans, or should I say I had those jeans. I never wore them as they were too tight. My go to was baggy shirts and sweat pants (how sexy is that?).

    Now? I have 32″ waiste jeans which I may need to wear a belt with. My weight still fluctuates between 178-184 but I have gained muscle, I’m more active, I dress nicely all the time and my hygiene is a non issue.

    Our sex life is better than when we first started dating over 30 years ago. My wife initiates sex as often as I do (maybe more).

    As you can see, there is a glimmer of hope for people with grossly overweight spouses. This IS my new lifestyle and I’m enjoying the benefits.

    My wife is now cutting back on the junk food and joining me on my nightly walks. She instinctively reaches for my hand or hooks my arm whenever we go out together.

    1. Emily

      Good job! The changes you made got you results, and the fact that you were determined to succeed adds another layer of sexy. Well done.

  22. esperanza

    I begged my husband for years to improve his appearance and hygiene . I’m not an extremely attractive woman, but I have always worked hard to be fit, healthy and presentable. I am not overweight because I don’t feel healthy at a heavier weight. He just never seemed to care about his health or looks, and would do nothing to improve. I divorced him a month after our youngest turned 18. I now have a great boyfriend who loves to join me in physical activities. He knows women need to be visually stimulated the same way men do. I saw my ex recently. He is even slobbier, and told he all about his health problems, his loneliness, depression, etc. Can we get “together” sometime? Oh, hell no! I did my time with that dirty pig. I enjoy being happy. Now I am.

  23. voluptuouslover

    I used to be a workout / gym rat, always lifting weights. My wife never seemed totally excited with how muscular and in shape I was but wasn’t necessarily shy to show me off to her friends and work acquaintances. We had sex somewhat frequently but I was always the one who initiated it.

    Fast forward many years later, and three kids, My wife is Beautiful and definitely carries some extra weight which she doesn’t like but I love and wouldn’t even mind if she gained more. Several years ago both her and I became pretty big foodies and experimenting with some great recipes and evenings out once a week with some great dining. She also got into baking and would always bake some great deserts for us to try. I started noticing she was gaining some weight which I thought looked great on her like I always do but what I didn’t notice was that I had also been packing on the pounds apparently. One day at the gym which I had been going to much less frequently I decided to hop on the scale and it showed an increase of 14 pounds. I didn’t think much of it other than I was kind of surprised it was that much. I thought back to our cooking and dinners out and that I have always had a good appetite but then I realized later that night like a light bulb went off after I finished my plate at dinner and my wife brought me over a huge decedent desert and herself one. This is it, I never had a sweet tooth before unlike my wife but all of a sudden we were both eating some huge fattening baked deserts every night together. She didn’t seem to have gained as much as I had because I guess she was used to all the sweet deserts but I all of sudden had a sweet tooth also and almost craved to have a desert after dinner all the time now.

    Well, now I was conscious of my sweet tooth but it didn’t stop me and before I knew it after several months I was 45 pound heavier. I was now a tall muscular guy with a big gut looking 9 months pregnant especially after meals. I didn’t mind having my new big belly because the crazy thing was over the last couple of months our sex became so much more frequent like 3-4 times a week and my wife was always horny and was initiating sex with me all the time.

    I couldn’t understand exactly what it was, did my wife like me so much better with a big belly or did she like the fact that she was cooking and baking all these decedent meals and deserts and fattening me up like a great wife? Or did she seem to like the fact that even though she kept gaining more weight that I was gaining now to and even more than her. She was way more aggressive in bed and more revealing of her body even though she was getting bigger and gaining more weight? Did it make her feel more comfortable gaining being that I had become so much bigger?

    I have shed nearly 35 of the 45 pounds I had gained over the course of a year or so and she seems way less interested in sex. I don’t know I guess this brings a little balance to this thread and the old saying different strokes for different folks I guess.

  24. Lucy

    All unsatisfied women posting comments in here, get a real life, work hard and be happy with what you have, if you had married to your husband for love, you wouldn’t be complaining. Or get a divorced and stop your whining.

  25. Reformed

    I absolutely LOVE what ‘a guy’ wrote back in Dec 2012. Go back up and scroll through and find his entry…..completely worth it!! That is absolutely the approach I will use with my husband when I talk to him soon. We both were very overweight (both over 100 lbs overweight), but I lost all of my weight and he didn’t . We had gotten to the point where we physically couldn’t have sex anymore, in any position, and frankly, even if we could have found a way, I didn’t want to. My husband is the sweetest man….great husband, father and friend. I wouldn’t trade him for the WORLD. I would stay with him FOREVER and just not have sex anymore….that’s how awesome he is. A good marriage is about understanding each other’s struggles and working together to overcome any adversity either of you is having. Any man who was spoken to as compassionately as ‘a guy’ described above would certainly make an effort to make his wife happy if he loved her. My question to all of the women in this post is, what are you doing to help him? You love him, right? So show it….doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. If you love him, make it work, and if you don’t, leave. Simple as that.

  26. Karen

    My guy was overweight by 20kilos,he lost it but his stomach turned into a hanging apron,the only way he can get rid of it is surgery,poor thing,I so feel for him,he believes if he loses more weight it will go it won’t only surgery will help that,so all you people remember that when someone that big loses a whole bunch of weight hanging skin can be a problem too.
    He still has fat in his belly but it hangs and covers up his man hood,we tried to have sex dogie style and he put it on my back, Yuko.
    I feel bad that I am not attracted to him either but like a lady said its my vagina and I should say if I want to have sex or not with him.

    I have tried but I have stopped as I have terminal cancer and it is very uncomfortable for me to have sex with his large hanging stomach hanging all over me any way we do it.

    I am feeling terrible but I have to be true to me too,I do love him have loved him for 47 years that will never change.

    I also have keeper my weight down and have done all I could to keep myself nice.
    Anyhow this is my very sad story without much hope as he is not impressed to have surgery and I don’t blame him,it’s a big operation with lots of risks.

  27. BlkBanker

    Men, if you have a wife like any of the women above, please run to the nearest courthouse and FILE FOR DIVORCE! You women took a vow before god. FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE AND SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH. Obviously, those words meant nothing to any of you sack chasers! Karma is REAL and I hope life is miserable for all of you when he leaves your ass for a much better catch.

    1. Wifefedup

      Please shut up! One of the reasons the man went out with his wife is cause he was physically attracted to her so how can u day it dont matter at some point. You cant control old but u can control your weight. Sloth is also a sin and greed, so these women do not need to just grin and bare. I been really thin early in marriage and over weight cause my husband kept encouraging me go eat more food with him. I refuse to now and he has a big hard santa belly. If u going to tell someone to love an a really obese person regardless, then u better tell people to love their spouse regardless if their addiction bring problems
      Most obese men can barelt do it to their wives back without almost having an asthma attack. They barely have energy for foreplay so the sex is rushed. You are in a marriage go also please ur spouse. So please shut up. If weight dont matter when is the last time u proposed to a 300 pound woman?

  28. UnhappyMan

    I have been with my partner for 11 years, since we were both age 20. Within the first 18 months of our relationship she started putting on the weight, but I simply attributed it to her being unfulfilled with her career prospects, so I shrugged it off, telling myself that she would begin taking care of herself when she was in a better frame of mind to do so.

    9.5 years on, I’m still waiting. I work full-time in a very demanding job and still manage to box 3-5 days a week - I cook healthy meals from scratch every day. I’m roughly the same weight as when we got together at 18 (174lbs @ 6″1) apart from I have a far more muscular physique from slowly building my muscles over boxing. I had, on occasion, considered giving up boxing due to sustaining some painful injuries, but have decided against this as a) I love it and b) I cant be a hypocrite - if I don’t set a good example…

    Anyway, it has now reached the point where I am actually very unhappy. A mixture of guilt, frustration and sadness. Guilty for not feeling attracted to her physically. Frustrated from 9.5 years of feeling sexually underwhelmed, and in the last 5-6 years, at times, sexually repulsed. I’m sad because I know that 6 months of her taking the time to take care of herself is all it would take to balance out nearly the decade I have spent feeling increasingly more hopeless.


    I’ve been with my bf for 2years. He very handsome and very fat and the sex isn’t terrible. However hes so young 26 and has so many serious health problems. I’m pretty darn hot not to be vain. We look like a mismatched pair, I’ve never been with any obese guys before , all my exes are studs. His whole family is round and eats so bad. I’ve tried literally everything to get him to lose weight and to motivate him, even offered to pay for lipo but he doesn’t want any of it. He’s happy the way he is. He’s a ticking time bomb for a stroke or heart attack and I just don’t want to be with someone who wants to kill themselves with food than live a long happy life with me so I’m debating to cut it off. I see my obese patients stroke out and code everyday at work and watch their wives cry- because the risk factors could have been avoided. I never want to endure that so young. I wish one day he would change not for me but for his self.

  30. yourconscience

    So what if your super fit, muscular husband got into a car accident and was paralyzed from the waist down? Would you stick around? Imagine that? Eventually he would gain weight and you obviously couldn’t have sex anymore….

    Life can throw an infinite amount of challenging circumstances your way, your husband being fat is not the end of the world, and should certainly not be the end of your marriages.

    Sounds like to me that you all need some perspective on life here - when you’re on your deathbeds and reflecting on your life, I doubt you’ll be thinking about belly fat or bad sex. You’ll be reflecting on all of the meaningful things and the people you care about.

    Honestly, shame on you.

    1. Scmite

      Yes but being in a car wreck is not a choice being fat is.. my ex was over 100 pds over weight.. his diet French fries, hamburgers, pizzas and beer…Heart attack or stroke waiting to happen…

  31. Babs

    Its no different that if you married someone and they sudden took up a bad habit like smoking or drinking. You might still love them but they are damaging the relationship by not doing anything about it. This is disrespectful to your spouse who has taken the time to be healthy. What if you shopped brushing your teeth and stopped bathing. Do you think that would be fair? Would you expect your spouse to want to have sex with you if you smelled bad? Its the same thing. If you love your spouse you do not engage in destructive behavior and obesity is destructive to you and your lover.

  32. Devi D

    To me the answer is very simple, just don’t have sex. I’m speaking from experience. Husband and I have been married over 30 years and both in great shape and good looking, but sex was never important in our relationship. We had four kids and then nada, no more sex. As a result we learned so much more about each other and have had lots of adventures together and our love has grown immensely instead of withered. I give credit to our Hare Krishna religion which I joined at 19 (I’m 57 now) teaching us Bhakti yoga in which sex for procreation only and no contraceptives is a vital aid for concentrating the mind upon Krishna and becoming free from this false material bodily identification you all are suffering from and gaining our spiritual bodies and relationships instead. Sense gratification is not the goal of life, love is. People are eternal servants of God, not sense objects. Give your husbands a copy of Bhagavad Gita As It Is to help them learn that. Peace and wishing you the best.

  33. Anonymous

    Similar for me. My boyfriend who I’ve been with for a year is very overweight at 145kg. What’s really annoyed me is a few times he said he was going to try to lose weight. This came up after we discussed having children but his doctor said his fertility might be low because of his weight. He also has diabetes and high blood pressure. The thing is that he has done absolutely nothing to lose weight or be healthier. No execersize, not eating better, nothing. This comes down to his laziness. He’s lazy in every aspect including not doing chores around the house. When he gets home from work, which is a job in IT where he sits on his butt all day, the first thing he does is start his computer and he’ll easily sit there for the next several hours before bed. I’m getting really disenheartened by his lack of follow through. It’s the same with other things. He says he will do them but never does or very late. We moved to this house 6 months ago and he still hasn’t unpacked. At first I overlooked how ugly his body is because I love him but now I’m just repulsed and don’t want to have sex anymore. I always have to be on top during sex because the gravity of his sagging stomach affects his errection and his penis appears smaller because of his fatty pubic mound.

    I have lost a lot of weight years ago, I’m at a healthy weight but would like to lose 5-10kg more. I’m making great progress by focusing on nutrition and respecting my body by only eating when I need to and not eating just for the sake of it. Looking at him actually serves as good motivation for me. It’s not hard to go online and research how to count calories. There’s apps that do it. His lack of effort after I was exicited that he said he wanted to try, it disgusts me. I have mentioned it to him a few times. I don’t know what to do anymore.

  34. Naombi Shokes

    i have a this same problem. we both gained weight over the years and i have cut out candy and soda and go to the gym occasionally when i can. he doesnt find the time to go and i know he is still eating the junk when im not around. heck hes even doing ti with me around with an excuse to do it and tries to get me to eat some too which i decline. lately, i havent wanted to have sex. i might do it once a month, twice is pushing it and i know hes watching porn which is cheating to me. he recently weighed hisself and was at 300lbs and i just hit the 200 mark losing 8 lbs these past 3 weeks and i dont plan to stop. i had the talk recently about him not going to the gym, got excuses. spoke to him about his health, says he will do better. nothing has happened since. i am no longer attracted to him but he is a great father and a good husband. he has congestive heart failure, takes like 10 plus pills daily blah blah blah. u would think this is a motivator but nooooo. he keeps is going and complains i dont wanna have sex. i literally cant breathe when hes on top. i have recently entertained finding a friend, not for sex, just someone to talk to that will listen. once the attraction is gone and intimacy was gone, the conversation and willingness to care is going. i dont want to cheat, i really dont. thats my bff and my lover and the father of my kids, for better or for worse but its it fair for me to watch u kill urself and stroke out so now i have to take care of you? im tired of being the only one that cares. i want my husband back.

  35. iris

    I had sex with my husband yesterday. i looove him so much but he keeps putting weight on. he is not that fat but the pouch between his penis and belly is gross. i never felt this way before. i just could not even kiss him last night. i was angry. i look after myself, i exercise and try to eat healthy. i am not perfect after three kids but at least i put some effort. he doesnt! and he just shows up naked, here I am! how to tell him? i dont want to be mean

  36. Melissa

    Turn off the lights and think of someone who turns you on, maybe it was him when he was fitter. You could take out a page from the guys book and leer at every good looking man that passes by….Ahem, you are just checking out the dog that they are walking etc. Be careful though, some men might respond to you looking and the intent is just to hint to your husband that he could maybe try a little harder. Or, you could give up sex completely, develop a sex related back ache, head ache, cervical ache whatever… Incurable unfortunately… Or until your husband gets thinner.
    By the way, cuddling is pretty good too 😀


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